we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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