Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
