dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
