Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
