he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Randomize
