brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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