Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
