The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize