My Higher Power is John Stamos
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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