I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
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