You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
