Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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