Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
