Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
