I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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