just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize