Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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