he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
