I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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