Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Randomize