Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
