shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Your cock deserves a montage
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
