I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
