he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
