You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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