God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
