The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
