Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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