he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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