Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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