Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The power of my boobs compel you
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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