thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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