I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
