Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
