I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
