Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
