he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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