saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
