I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
