Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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