At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
How external is "for external use only"?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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