I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
