Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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