Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Can I color on your dick again?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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