I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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