3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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