Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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