I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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