Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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