Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
