She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
