Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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