so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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