I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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