Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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