I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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