I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
