There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
