I will die if light touches me.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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